Flossie

“I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…”

Flossie

In the words of the legendary character, Carrie Bradshaw from HBO’s Sex And The City says, “I couldn’t help but wonder…”

Why is romance so hard to find….especially in the gay world?

I have talked to many, many guys online. Some from different parts of the world. I’ve met my share of men in person. Mostly through apps like Grindr, Tinder, or Scruff.

No one seems to want a relationship. No matter where you look. Some may think they do, but then they realize…hey, i’ll spending the next ever so many years, or possibly the rest of my life with this ONE person. Can I handle that? What if I see someone prettier? What if I get tired of having sex with this one person? What if they get fat and ugly? Everyone I talk to just wants a one night stand, a “friend with benefits”, or someone to join in as a third person in an already existing relationship or marriage.

So, lets take these things one step at a time:

  • One night stand- Those are all well and good. However, in my experience…these are not easy to find. First, if you send a person a message, do they even reply? If they do reply, do they think you’re attractive enough? Second, there’s the issue of “Can you host? and “What are you into?” This means, who’s house can this be done in, and what do you enjoy doing sexually? you’re trying to determine if they’re mild to wild, or if this person has a fetish. Good Lord, there’s so many fetishes! It’s sooo hard to deal with. Personally, I don’t have any fetishes. Very, very few people are simple “vanilla”. I steer clear of most fetishes myself. For example: A huge fetish is pee. I don’t mind the occasional “golden shower”(being urinated on) in the shower. But, I do not want to roll out a tarp in the bedroom or living floor and wallow around in it…nor do I want to drink it. I don’t want to be beaten, or choked to the point of seeing Jesus and the pearly gates! I don’t want to wear a diaper. Yes, a diaper fetish…that exists. Next, after the fetish question, you ask are you a top/bottom/verse. You have to agree on which one is going to be the catcher, and which one will be the pitcher. If you’ve gotten this far, you trade body pictures. The gay world is very shallow. Most want a smooth(no hair) skinny guy with a six pack, and a butt so nice you could eat breakfast off of it. Of course then, there’s the issue of the penis…is it circumcised or uncircumcised? How big? After you have jumped through all these hoops, if both parties are still interested, then you can meet up and get down and dirty.  I’ve had a many one night stands myself, but often, I find myself getting attached to the person…especially when i’ve spent a lot of time with the person before or after the intimate time. As i’ve said before, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t just have loads of fun with someone and be intimate, only to walk away and quit them…cold turkey.
  • Friends with Benefits- With me, this never works. I get too attached. I get jealous if they’re talking to someone else. What if i’m replaced with someone new? What if they find someone that they want to have a relationship with? Also, I don’t want to be used just for sex. I hate being shallow, but if they weren’t attractive…maybe it could work for me.
  • Joining in on an existing relationship- This is a no go for me. I want to be the center of attention in someone’s life. I don’t want to share any person with anyone. I don’t want to be replaced.

I’m not saying every gay person out there is like this…but most are. Love isn’t easy to find. Connections aren’t easy to make.

It seems in this age, my age group, “Millenials”(ugh, I hate that term) just wants fun and freedom. Not to be tied down. I understand that, but don’t you eventually want to settle down? Seriously, are we still gonna be hooking up at 65? Or does no one want the house with the white picket fence?

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Flossie’s Corner #1- Binging and overall health.

Flossie

So…This is my first attempt at an actual post, since I purchased this domain 2 years ago.

I’m not sure who will actually read these posts, but I plan to use this as a diary of sorts. Whether it is read by someone is really irrelevant, I just want a place where I can go and jot down my thoughts of the day and sort of walk away…leaving them there.

I was diagnosed with Bulimia-Binge Eating Disorder about 3 months ago. This started after losing 150 pounds, and then I became afraid of gaining it back…so I reduced my calorie intake. I’ve had days where I binged so much, my stomach felt like it was going to pop. Some days I cared that I binged, and others I didn’t.

Over 2 weeks ago, I met a guy who I really liked. I felt a spark. It was like magic: I felt like when we hugged, I had known him forever…like an old friend. Needless to say, things blew up in my face (my fault), and now I probably couldn’t pay him to talk to me again. I really do hope he forgives me someday. I literally pray to God several times daily that I will hear something from him: a call, a text, a message..something! I’m sure at this point God is sick of hearing my requests. I basically miss the way he touched me. I was in a 7 year relationship where physical touch meant nothing to me, but once this new guy touched me…I wanted it. Nothing sexual, just the intentional gentle genuine touch. I miss the way he caressed my arm when we cuddled, the way he played with my hair, when he said I smelled good. I loved those little things.

After we stopped talking, everyday for almost two weeks I binged. I binged on mostly sweets. If I saw it and wanted it. I ate it. I gained 20 pounds. That part sucks. I’m now trying to lose those 20 pounds. Am I over him? Not really. But I knew I had to get myself back on track, or I would be pushing 200 pounds.

Yesterday and today I have eaten very well. No sweets, or sugar of any kind. In fact, the last three days I had a severe sugar withdrawal headache. I thought I would never get rid of it. I’m very proud of myself. It feels great to be able to sit down to an actual meal with actual food, instead of shoving raw cookie dough or donuts down your throat and feeling so stuffed, that you’re not able to eat anything else the rest of the day.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not sure how to be tough and guard my heart. So, naturally I get hurt often. This sucks too. While the other person is sleeping, or busy doing something like work, chores, or friends…I sit there wondering if I’m going to get a text back, or if the person is actually “into me”. I have had sleepless nights, and then went to work. That sucks as well, knowing you have 8 hours ahead of you and you’re so tired you could fall over.

As far as the guy goes, he’s an actor and is currently in a local production of a Broadway play. I was supposed to go see the play the night we stopped talking. He told me he’d appreciate my not being there, and later he said to never contact him again. A part of me wants to go to this play…to reach out and show interest, but then again I wouldn’t want the police called, as he may consider that “stalking”. I’m not sure what to do, but I hope that he contacts me again, and we can pickup where we left off. I know the trust is broken between us, but I do wish for a second chance and a fresh start.

Flossie