So…This is my first attempt at an actual post, since I purchased this domain 2 years ago.
I’m not sure who will actually read these posts, but I plan to use this as a diary of sorts. Whether it is read by someone is really irrelevant, I just want a place where I can go and jot down my thoughts of the day and sort of walk away…leaving them there.
I was diagnosed with Bulimia-Binge Eating Disorder about 3 months ago. This started after losing 150 pounds, and then I became afraid of gaining it back…so I reduced my calorie intake. I’ve had days where I binged so much, my stomach felt like it was going to pop. Some days I cared that I binged, and others I didn’t.
Over 2 weeks ago, I met a guy who I really liked. I felt a spark. It was like magic: I felt like when we hugged, I had known him forever…like an old friend. Needless to say, things blew up in my face (my fault), and now I probably couldn’t pay him to talk to me again. I really do hope he forgives me someday. I literally pray to God several times daily that I will hear something from him: a call, a text, a message..something! I’m sure at this point God is sick of hearing my requests. I basically miss the way he touched me. I was in a 7 year relationship where physical touch meant nothing to me, but once this new guy touched me…I wanted it. Nothing sexual, just the intentional gentle genuine touch. I miss the way he caressed my arm when we cuddled, the way he played with my hair, when he said I smelled good. I loved those little things.
After we stopped talking, everyday for almost two weeks I binged. I binged on mostly sweets. If I saw it and wanted it. I ate it. I gained 20 pounds. That part sucks. I’m now trying to lose those 20 pounds. Am I over him? Not really. But I knew I had to get myself back on track, or I would be pushing 200 pounds.
Yesterday and today I have eaten very well. No sweets, or sugar of any kind. In fact, the last three days I had a severe sugar withdrawal headache. I thought I would never get rid of it. I’m very proud of myself. It feels great to be able to sit down to an actual meal with actual food, instead of shoving raw cookie dough or donuts down your throat and feeling so stuffed, that you’re not able to eat anything else the rest of the day.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not sure how to be tough and guard my heart. So, naturally I get hurt often. This sucks too. While the other person is sleeping, or busy doing something like work, chores, or friends…I sit there wondering if I’m going to get a text back, or if the person is actually “into me”. I have had sleepless nights, and then went to work. That sucks as well, knowing you have 8 hours ahead of you and you’re so tired you could fall over.
As far as the guy goes, he’s an actor and is currently in a local production of a Broadway play. I was supposed to go see the play the night we stopped talking. He told me he’d appreciate my not being there, and later he said to never contact him again. A part of me wants to go to this play…to reach out and show interest, but then again I wouldn’t want the police called, as he may consider that “stalking”. I’m not sure what to do, but I hope that he contacts me again, and we can pickup where we left off. I know the trust is broken between us, but I do wish for a second chance and a fresh start.
Flossie
No Spoken Word 